Amy Tan's Gift.....

I'm reading The Opposite of Fate by Amy Tan... a memoir of sorts. Good read... I recommend picking it up for writers and non-writers alike....

On page 54 she says about leaving her doctoral program, that it was terrifying because it embodied her worth and disguised her fears:
"the fear that I would never be good enough, that I would forever be struggling to hide that I was a fraud, doomed on day to fail and reveal how inadequate I truly was."

Is this feeling universal? Or was it built on her foundation of fear and criticism endured during childhood.

Even as I write this the idea that I'm a fraud is rampant in my life. I often think that if people knew the struggles I have with Motherhood they wouldn't praise me about my efforts. If people knew the intricate details of my life, finances, relationships, career.... they probably wouldn't even like me. That I'm a walking facade, hoping to find my true skin. I'm trying to be what I think I should be, what I think others want to see, what others will respect or like in me. Because what is really in me is vile. Not only vile but odd, abnormal. The worries, fears, doubts, insecurities, lack of direction and so on, is not what happens in others minds. So I have to feign that I have it together, that all that chatter doesn't go on in my head. Is this what Amy Tan is talking about? She had this same mental rambling. Where does it come from? Do you have it too?

Amy Tan describes remarkable events that occured in her life to bring her lessons of growth and maturity. We all have similar events, trials that color our growth into adulthood. What are yours... did you learn the lessons or shun them because changing was too hard. The change is hard, it feels impossible to shake the armor that has been superglued to you for 30 years or more. My brain resists uncomfortable tasks, things I'm sure cannot be accomplished, at least by me. I'm unorganized and lack structure. The attempts at creating these two characteristics in myself have failed over and over. Is it because I should accept that these are not who I am and that I don't have to embody those qualities to be worthy? Or is it because I fear and worry and haven't applied myself enough in order to succeed? Do I need those qualities? I envy those who are organized and structured, so it creates a desire to be that way in myself, but why? What do they have that I do not? And vice versa, what do I have that they do not? And can I be okay with that?

"and reveal how inadequate I truly was." Does not being organized or structured mean I am inadequate? What qualities do you want to embody but don't? Without them are you inadequate, do you envy those who do embody them?

On page 56 she says, "not everything about me had changed for the better. I still worried incessantly about every detail of my life, twisting the permutations of these anxieties into knots." And I wonder if applying myself and changing in ways I think are for the better will relieve any of the discomfort I have about who I am. This isn't to say I completely despise myself, of course not. I can be selfish with the best of them, and think the world revolves around me and my needs. I often think I am quite remarkable for the things I like about myself. But those inadequacies are what haunt me.

I haven't finished the book yet, but I know the ending from my perception. Amy Tan has written bestsellers, had a novel turned into a film and a children's book adapted into a PBS series. Do I want to be like her, sure! Does she still feel like a fraud, does she still worry and have anxiety, does she still feel inadequate? I don't see how she could. But maybe I'm still missing the point. I guess I will see when I hear her perception of how it ends.....